We at Poor Writers commiserate with you in all things be it poor, writing, relationships, stubbed toe, and we’re always happy to have people to complain along with us — along with brown papered packages tied up with string, it’s on the top of our favorite things. So, without further ado, I bring you a guest post from Abi, a fellow poor writer and all around savvy minx.
So you’ve been dumped before the holidays. The bright, shiny, pine-scented togetherness you were looking forward to has been buried beneath the slush of an unambiguous rejection. Your heart has been shrunk three sizes too small. How do you indulge your Grinchiness short of ruining everyone else’s good cheer? Here are some suggestions:
1. Eat all the cookies. Or hell, just eat the cookie dough. But if you’re set on baking, make cookie cutter versions of your ex and eat your feelings.
2. Your may suspect your friends are tired of listening to you dissect the break-up. But you know who’s never tired lending a sympathetic ear? Santa Claus. Head to the mall and get a photo of yourself with Ol’ Saint Nick hashing out whether or not you’ll really stay friends.
3. Buy a box of Christmas cards and jot down all the ways in which your ex was inadequate. Don’t worry about signing them. Hand out the cards to strangers as your get off the subway, slip them into random mailboxes on your commute, gift them to your barista or postal worker. Let everyone know how well you’re handling the break-up.
4. Buy expensive presents on your credit card. The bigger, trendier, and gaudier the better. Wrap them and sign them from your ex. Act conflicted in front of your family as you open them. Your ex went to such lengths to give you a good holiday! But, really, you can’t keep any of it. It’s the thought that matters. Return everything. With one stroke you’ve boosted your familial and financial credit.
5. Find the most decorated street to walk around while listening to the saddest Christmas carols Hollywood can offer: “O Holy Night” from Home Alone, “Christmas Time Is Here” from A Charlie Brown Christmas, “Silent Night” from when that guy confesses his love to Kiera Knightly in Love, Actually. Your dejection will be made all the more picturesque against the twinkling lights. End your walk with Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” and lip sync it “I Will Survive”-style. How big are your karaoke gestures? Make them bigger. You won’t let sorrow bring you way down!