I’ve been working for a little over a year now, trying to get into the blogging industry and semi-succeeding with the internships and freelancing opportunities I’ve had, but I realized the other day that I’m not happy. I thought that the feeling I had when I would tell people what I did was me being happy, but even though I could tell people I was writing, that I was living in New York, and that I liked the companies I worked for, I wasn’t happy or getting anywhere really.
To an extent, I can proudly say that I’ve learned a lot about an industry that I wanted to be a part of. I got clips. I got experience. I met some really cool people and filled out a resume. But when I realized that this uphill battle was getting steeper rather than leveling out, I knew that I needed to reevaluate what I was doing.
To give you an idea of what I’ve been doing freelance blogging, I basically pick up shifts at one site and can work remotely or in the office. I do that for two companies actually, and doing this was fun during the summer because I got to explore new parts of the city, I got to enjoy free food Fridays from start-ups, and my schedule was fluid and to my making.
This quickly got stressful because it was hard to keep energy and enthusiasm up. It was hard to keep an interest in my topics. It was actually destroying my back how I carried my laptop around, and my home life suffered a little because I chose to work remotely pretty often.
I didn’t even think these were issues. I kept thinking of them as dues until I found my own site to belong to or a job to tide me over so I could build that site I wanted.
But I kept breaking down into tears during commutes. Small things like a twinge in my neck would set me off. I couldn’t keep denying the fact that all of these jobs I took on to supplement what I thought were baby steps in my career were tiring me out.
I was unhappy, and I couldn’t even excuse this as a phase because I realized that I’ve never been happy with my work. These were just the baby steps of a bigger career and I was plum unhappy in all levels of it. Successes and enjoyments were rare and few. The magic was gone. And I wasn’t even proud of what I was doing anymore.
I started to realize that I wanted to get back to writing for myself. I thought I wanted to get into blogging because I loved building blogs. I loved trying to come up with funny takes on things. I loved relating weird, awkward stories. And I want to get back to that level of writing again.
So it is back to the drawing board, friends. I’m still going on with Poor Writers, obviously, and happily with more drive. Maybe I just need to figure out where I want to write or I need a different avenue. We’ll have to see.