Dating, always awkward, chock-full of grievances before happening upon the realization that I may actually like this person very much. With this realization comes, wait for it… wait for it… the fear of judgment the lack of gainful employment brings! It’s always there kicking around my head saying, writer, yeah right?, I hope he doesn’t ask how many hours a week I work, screw this who needs to date anyway? maybe I can find a broke writer boyfriend, he’ll accept me. For a while I let these insecurities get the best of me, casting my desire for companionship and romance aside because of my topsy-turvy work life. Eventually a thought allowing me perspective squirmed into my angsty poor writer’s brain whispering, “No one’s judging you as harshly as you’re judging yourself.” While this is true to an extent (people hate hard), I did manage to see some remnants of possibility in my dating future.
“How do you know where I’m at when you haven’t been where I’ve been, understand where I’m coming from?” -Cypress Hill
On one hand I feel very much empowered going after my goals and steadily achieving some of them. On the other hand, which constantly backhands me with panic, agonizes over the questions which will inevitably involve, “So, what do you do for a living?” To be honest, I’m not at that point where I’m making a living, but surviving. Yes, I’m surviving, working like a dog to find bigger and better things, all the while trying to feed and clothe myself, while maintaining some sense of a social life. When I think about it, this is how I see my twenties. This is how many people see their twenties, and have lived it.
More and more I’m realizing life is about perspective and a logical one. In my own megalomanic mind I see myself in DVF wrap dresses sitting in a well decorated sunroom overlooking vast curvatures of North American countryside, I see myself writing for hours with a glass of whatever the hell I like next to me, this is the life I’ve created for myself and I am comfortable and happy. In this moment I can relax and appreciate life in all of it’s monstrous wonder.
The vision I have for myself is the projection I tag onto dates.
Doubtful Brain: What if this person is underwhelmed by my personhood since I’m not quite my stellar future self yet?
Confident Brain: Don’t be stupid, you’re pretty cool, just a little annoying. Plus if he’s judging you this much, let him go.
DB: I think you’ve got the right idea, confident brain.
CB: Duh, why do you think I went to college? Keep calm, don’t stress on.
Ultimately, the person who’s right for me won’t ask relentless personal questions when we meet, won’t be ultra critical of my life’s goals, and would hopefully support me in my decisions and eventual breakdown.