15 Steps to Quality Procrastination, as Told by an Expert

Good luck in tackling this list. Might I suggest taking a nap before attempting to do so.


1. Write about your procrastination (as exampled here). This always makes it seem a little more professional. I always say—if you take notes on it, it’s real.

2. Write yourself a doctor’s note. Hand that note to someone who is waiting for you to o something. Diagnosis: procrastination.

Symptoms: eating. Watching T.V. Napping. Painting your nails.

Treatment: Uhhhhh, I honestly don’t know. But write something scientific like, “patient undergoing trial treatments includes listening to music while staring at her ceiling.”

3. Explain to your boss or teacher or whoever you hand this note to, that it was funny and not a waster of time

4. Realize you might be a little hungry.

5. Stare into your fridge.

6. Realize you have absolutely no good food. (How are you expected to survive?)

7. Browse seamless for a while. Order something. (Or order later.)

8. Think about pretending to be sick. Wonder if you are a little sick. Tell your boss/teacher you are sick.

9. Cough while you tell them.

10. Decide what you need is organization. Take the amount of time it would take to get whatever you’re procrastinating done, and spend that time planning on how you are going to do it.

11. Ponder meaning of life, and/or scroll through Rihanna’s tweets.

12. Ponder the meaning of Rihanna’s tweets.

13. Thank god you didn’t procrastinate on ordering food because delivery is here.

14. Eat, eat, eat.

15. Repeat, making occasional substitutions for steps 2, 11, and 12. (Fake press releases work in place of 2, as does Miley Cyrus in place of 11 and 12.)


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