I felt like journaling the other day, but every time I sat down in my room to start, I couldn’t. I usually start entries with the date, time, and place I’m writing it — a method I’ve kept since I started journaling when I was a kid — and for the past few entries, I’d start, then stop after a few lines. They were all in the same place too (ie: my apartment, my bed, my kitchen, the couch). I realized today that I had a serious bout of cabin fever that needed to be rectified and took my journal — hefty as it is — out to explore.
It was nice walking my journal around my neighborhood. Being Memorial Day weekend, there was a street fair and my journal and I took in the smells of arrepas barbecue and looked at pretty dresses and beaded bracelets.
But thirty minutes was really all my journal and I could take in the heat and the smell of cooking meat (I sincerely refused to buy anything), so I decamped at one of my old favorite coffee places along the block.
I hadn’t been there since I stopped free-lancing a few months ago, and it was nice to go back in and see that their bookshelf grew in stock and that there was even more seating than before. Everyone was outside enjoying the meat smells and whatnot, so I almost had the entire place to myself and I started to write. It wasn’t hard to get started and to keep going, I realized. I didn’t focus too long on syntax or my hand cramping. I just went.
Have you ever had that moment of complete “fuck it all?” People would call it abandon, I suppose.
I had that as I sat, disregarding guilt at taking up a table too long, not caring that I was being a cliche (writing in a coffee house), and just writing.
I forgot what being cooped up could do to me, and my lack of productivity might sincerely just be a seasonal depression — I’m used to staying inside and shying away from the window because that’s what I’ve been doing all winter. I forgot that it’s spring (or is it Summer? I don’t get Mother Earth right now), and that sometimes I need that physical act of getting ready, walking to the café, and bringing my writing with me to feel rejuvenated.