To Whom It May Concern:
My name is Georgette. I heard about the open entry-level/intern position on a website that lists several other entry-level/intern positions. I know that I am a person who would love this job among several other persons, and those other persons possibly have similar wants, bring similar skills, and deal with similar issues (such as needing food). I just hope you choose me over them, though they are my brethren. I hope that this sounds assertive and confident enough to entice you to keep reading, though I am being formulaic. Are you, To-Whom-It-May-Concern? Are you still reading? Because this part of the cover letter always bothered me. You know nothing of how extraordinary I am by this point. You can’t see that I am tap-dancing to impress you to read further.
And I can’t tap dance.
I have a college degree, if that helps. Golly, it feels like I’m trying to pick you up at a bar. I feel almost slimey in trying to convince you that I’m a catch. But I am. Oh, did you just get chills, To-Whom-It-May-Concern? Did you just feel that spark between us? That—dare I say—frission?
It’s okay. I did too.
I would be perfect for this position at your company. I bring this undaunted eagerness, mixed with two parts desperation, and three parts whipper-snap smarts that will impress you, given the chance.
I think we could learn a lot from one another, To-Whom-It-May-Concern. There’s so much you can teach me about working for a living, and I can show you how to get the reverse tracks on MarioKart on the N64. We would be a symbiotic relationship that would make you look at me one day and say “best chance I ever took.” And we’ll have a moment as our eyes lock and we’ll both smile and laugh about how awkward and nervous I was at my interview. That I talked about my love of pies and bagels when you just wanted to know how I was.
I’ll talk about how you made me feel intimidated at first. I’ll have the confidence to joke with you by now. You’ll talk about how much of a noob I looked, and we’ll laugh because I came a long way since then.
Let’s make that moment, happen, To-Whom-It-May-Concern. Let’s get this symbiosis going. Wait. Did that sound sleazy? I was trying to go for gung-ho. I’ll refrain from raising my eyebrows like a villain tying you to the rail tracks.
I look forward to hearing from you, To-Whom-It-May-Concern. Seriously. Every phone call I get that is not you is just a waste of my minutes and attention. I’ll hang up on my mother to ensure that the line is always free for you.
DISCLAIMER: This is in no way a professional way to write a cover letter. Please excuse the madness.